Six months ago Katie and I vowed our love, slapped rings on our fingers, and drove to Mexico to live on a tiny little boat in the middle of the ocean for the first year of our marriage. Not your typical honeymoon, I know. I’m here to argue, however, that the government should mandate all newlyweds to do exactly as we’ve done for the betterment of society through the strengthening of marital bonds.
We are forced to spend almost every moment within sight, reach, sound and smell of one another. Imagine the largest bathroom in the house you live in, and chances are it is larger than the living space on Selkie. Now imagine your spouse and your dog in that bathroom with you. There are no secrets, no bashful moments, no fear of reproach for personal foibles. The laundry is on the line, right out front, and issues get dealt with. There is no fleeing or delaying or pretending that problems don’t exist. Communication is not only critical, it’s inevitable. Marriage counselors across the nation would go out of business.
On the other hand, the tiny space we have on the boat also motivates us to row to shore and take long hikes through the wilderness. Heart disease and cholesterol rates would plummet, and general understanding of and appreciation for the natural world would skyrocket to all time highs.
On boat or on land, the couple would always be within sight of each other, so there would be no chance for hanky panky with the other’s best friend. Coincidentally, the husband will probably be so filthy, unkempt and maladjusted to social customs within a few weeks of life on a boat, that there can really be no chance of the fairer sex partaking with him in any extramarital affair, anyway. The divorce rate will drop drastically.
Finally, as the new couple sails through big seas in the middle of the night, and watches the infinite depths glide by below, they will be reminded how easy it would be for their spouse to kick their sorry ass right overboard if they don’t shape up and act right. It would be easily explained away as an accident. The dishes will get done in a timely manner, foot massages will abound, and I, er, the hypothetical husband we speak of, will certainly treat his lady right ‘til death do they part.
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